I'm so fucking centered right now
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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