I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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