Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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