My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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