that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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