Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Come on in and take your pants off
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