Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You need a sexual gate keeper
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
