I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i think i have two assholes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
