If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
