Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
