peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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