I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize