The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
