I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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