Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
