This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
