My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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