I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
