you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Mom said you looked used
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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