I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
