this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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