I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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