Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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