So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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