She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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