sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
