I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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