So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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