K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
