So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize