I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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