The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize