i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
