This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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