shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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