sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize