I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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