I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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