Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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