what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
