I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize