God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
