You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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