tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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