forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize