I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
