The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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