He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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