I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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