this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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