I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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