guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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