Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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