Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize