Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize