So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
