my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
