I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
